Alternately titled: I hear voices.
I've been told that we are each our own worst critic. I sincerely hope so. My inner critic is usually pretty brutal. I have to justify and explain my every action -to MYSELF. Except that the voice of my inner critic usually takes the form of characters from the books I read. And many times the male characters. Hmm. What does that say about me? My need for approval from guys? Something terrible, I'm sure. But let's talk about that another time.
Every waking moment of my life (and some times in my dreams) I'm justifying my actions. Answering to the critic in my head, "I did this because...", "I chose that because...". It's tiring and yet it's very hard for me to not do it. The need to explain or offer apologia (correct use?) seems to be a basic component of my make-up. Maybe someone should research that.
I can't really say when I started doing this 24/7. I don't think I always did. Perhaps it started in part because there have always been so many things I've wanted to do or be: a good singer, a dancer, concert pianist, actress, model, rocket scientist, English Lit professor, a super hero (think Wonder Woman -complete with looking hot in hot pants and go-go boots). So Many Things. When the impossibility of most of those things crashed down around me, perhaps I had to think of reasons why.
When a boy I had a crush on didn't notice me -I needed to know why. When someone was mean at school -again, why? And so began my constant search for, and answer to, my own questions. I guess at some point those questions took more of an inward bent. So now I still wonder why people do the things they do (and incidentally experience more outrage and self-righteous indignation when I disagree) but I'm far more critical of my own "what for's".
Which is odd because, as irritating as this is to others, I also think I'm a perfectly nice person and who wouldn't love me. Really. I generally expect that people will like me and they usually do. At the same time, however, I'm always afraid of offending or disappointing. Weird. Conflicted much?
Anywho, back to the inner critic. I have a constant stream of dialog in my head of what I'm doing and why and, more tiring, what I'm NOT doing and why. Doing the dishes but leaving the stove-top messy. Sweeping but not mopping. Straightening but not vacuuming. Getting up early to exercise but not for long enough OR eating the calories I burned off. Wearing make-up or being natural -wanting to be natural but not loving the look. Making Grace's lunch but only including a vegetable rather than both fruit and veg. Passing my classes but just barely. Graduating but with no minor. Ad nauseum.
And then there's the inner critic comparing me to the characters that I read about. Not brave enough, not strong enough, not born in the right era, not not not. But, given that I think I'm great, I'm constantly arguing back. Yes I am, yes I am. I'm always trying to tell myself that I'm okay as I am. What I do, whatever I do, is enough and it's fine.
Sometimes my happy voice wins out and sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't I tend to want to avoid people. One less voice to answer to. If that makes sense. This is probably another reason why I don't like talking on the phone. (actually, I'm always looking for excuses for that one. I just don't. That's why.)
It's tiring never being alone in my own head.
What do you struggle with?
4 comments:
I can totally relate, miss kitti. I admire your openness. I find that I need verification for my decisions from other people. I need to hear them say "yes, you should do that" or "yes, that's a great idea" or the opposite. But what I've been struggling with lately is not letting other people bother me by what they say or do. I've had a hard time holding back my tongue and keeping my negative thoughts inside. But sometimes you just have to let it out or you'll burst! I'm realizing I have a pride issue and I'm trying really hard to change this. Life is all about getting along with others, I'm finding out more and more. At church, school, neighbors, etc. I need to not let things bother me so much. I need to have a kinder heart towards others, and when I get a little offended or upset over something, I need to think before I speak and seek for help to get over it from up above. I have so much I need to work on it's not even funny.
Oh Erika, me too on the trying to get along. I find this is especially true at church (having to bite my tongue). I keep reminding myself that I'm building character.
SO totally do that. I have found the older I get the more I worry about what others think of me, (mainly the other women at church though,crazy I know).
I too always have a running dialoge going through my head, and sometimes I get tired of it, but it's hard to stop.
A friend once told me that she was always worried about what others thought of her, until someone told her "if only you realized who little others actually think of you" that really hit me. I think that's true, most people are so worried about themselves and their problems they aren't thinking about me and what I'm wearing looking like today, etc. Or at least that's what I tell my little inner-self.
I've always found your candor very refreshing. I don't think there is a woman alive, or one that I have know, who doesn't have similar issues. What is interesting is how little we understand how others perceive us...and in this misunderstanding, how little it really matters. I know I give these these things WAY too much attention. I think the negative voices are always going to be there. I know mine have never gone away. All I can do is focus elsewhere--heaven knows there are much more serious problems than the minute ones I seem to spend the most time worrying about. I love my friends. I love my family. I have a general (see how loose I am here) appreciation and love for most human beings. (I can't commit fully to loving everyone, like one might hear in religious settings.) I think that EVERYONE deserves a cushion to make an ass of him/herself periodically and I try to grant myself the same privilege. (Should be an article of faith...) I think I'm on a good road with many detours. I, for one, find you to be smashing and fantastic and cannot say enough good things about you. So tell that to the voices in your head. Whatever the case, whatever the weakness, you are loved. Cheesy, but true!
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