The difference it makes to not be in pain? HUGE. That's the difference it makes.
Last night was dark (both literally and metaphorically). Life is just so terrible when you can't walk. Grace was trying to cheer me up by offering to time* how long it took for me to walk from the kitchen to the office. At two, I had to ask her to stop. Concentrating on staying upright when there's a little voice counting out, "one, two …" is really more than one can be expected to handle at such times.
I started to think, it's too much: Christmas, work, cleaning, cooking, living, finding joy, blah, blah, blah. Then there's the stand-by, "I never should have gotten married or had a family. I'm bringing them down. I can't live like this...." and so on.
(I never voice this out loud because then this conversation would ensue: K:"I'm bring you down." J: "What?! That's crazy talk. I'm the one bringing you down." K: "You? No, it's me. I'm cramping your style." J: "No, you're insane. I'm the party pooper." K: "Shut up. It's me." And so on. You can see that this is going no where. Also, J would never call me insane and I would never say "shut up" to him. Random strangers and other people we're mad at but never each other.)
Today I saw the handsome and talented Dr. A for my little toe and my ankle. He did a little fixing, some talking, a lot of planning and I left his office feeling so much better.
I went in thinking something had better get cut off or I needed a cane or heads were going to roll. Seriously. My feet are a hot mess. (My poor little tootsies.) Even Dr. A agreed. Then he so nicely said, "Here's what we can do about that..."
Woohoo! That's what I was thinking, going back to work, still limping but without the "I'm going to kill someone if they so much as look at me wrong" kind of pain. Yay! Sunshine and daisies. It turns out when you use orthotics and braces in-tandem they work so much better. Synergy, how I love thy name!
But really, I feel so much better. I have a ton to do up until Xmas vacation and now I feel like I can do it. (As opposed to thinking, "there's no way in h***" but finding a way to do it anyway. The "can-do" attitude totally helps the process.)
____________
*(She LOVES to know how fast she can do things. We time everything around here: getting dressed, dumping the garbage, laps around the quad, drinking milk.)
Note: Sorry Mom, it's true. I totally swear in my head when things get rough.
8 comments:
I'm sorry that you had a really crappy day yesterday (or several days,for that matter) and yeah for great dr.s that make us feel better. Totally get the thoughts in the head, do it all the time, and it never ever ends in a good place.
And kudos to you for not taking Grace out, PJ would have been down for the count if he had been "counting" for me when I was in pain.
Miss Kitti, I'm so sorry to hear you've been in such pain again (or still). Hooray for good doctors! I have often had thoughts like that myself but supposed it was only my blood relatives who experienced the same because even my very closest friends have never divulged such things to me. Think they're holding something back? If they're not...well...they're very lucky indeed because I can't even imagine a life free of such excruciating thoughts. But wouldn't it be wonderful? And no physical pain? That's what I love so much about that little four-letter word I often say under my breath: hope. After I've depleted my repertoire of those other words.
Hurray! I am so glad you are feeling so much better and I hope it continues until you are feeling down right fantabulous.
By the way, I am reading a new book, The Daughter of York, and it is pretty good so far :)
Hey Miss Kitti, do you know why I think you're so rad? (Well, lots of reasons, but I digress...)
You're a lover AND a fighter. but the good kind of fighter. I'm so glad the doctor has a plan and hope you're able to walk pain free VERY soon.
PJ and I just finished HP2 and the whole time I was wondering if he'd get scared after what you mentioned about Grace and sure enough, he came into my room crying last night. poor guy, we haven't even watched the movie yet. i guess we'll have to put it one hold, too.
misskitti, you should be doing A LOT more complaining. i am shocked and appalled to learn that you have been suffering in silence. for every little victory over pain, hurrah! for every sore step, BOO!
Your fortitude provides HOPE for others. (I'm getting so good at the 6 word summary!)
Firstly, if you are only swearing in your head than you are so much further along then the rest of us. Yes, I swear, Danna calls it a coping mechanism, I call it necessary to get through the day. What-eves.
I'm so sorry that you have been having such a hell of a time and I am so glad that there is some relief out there for you.
I have those conversations with K all the time in my head, me, no, me, no me and so on. So I'm glad I'm not the only one. Today has been sort of a gloomy day but just the fact that things are going better for you makes me happy. So I will try not to be crusty to everyone I meet today, though I'm only going to try, no promises.
Oh, Miss Kitti, I hurt for you but I'm so glad things are looking up and especially in time for you to do some of the things you love and hopefully enjoy Christmas.
I swear in my head also but I don't have to apologize to my Mom cuz I think she might too sometimes. And she's a wonderful person like you and I don't think I'm THAT bad... sometimes. I used to not do that but the older I get...WOW!
Post a Comment