Thank you to M for pointing me to this blog post. If you have time, go on over and read about one woman's decision to stay married. Honest and powerful.
As noted,we don't talk about this a lot. The how and why and what happens after. Maybe because we can just observe and draw our own conclusions? Because it's too personal to talk about? No one wants to air dirty laundry?
But here's what I'm thinking. Save the sordid details for your best "in the vault" friend but share the other stuff. Surely anyone would acknowledge that no marriage, assuming partners are on equal footing and honest with themselves, is without bumps and disagreements. Not everything goes along swimmingly all the time.
Marriage can be (dare I say it?) work at times. Even the best of times. It's no longer you and your merry self. Now there are other needs to consider. Time constraints. Menus to discuss and agree upon (such as "what" and "who shall prepare"). Clothes to coordinate (okay, I'm kidding about that one but J and I have had several strange happenings of late wherein the same colors were worn on the same day. Coincidence? Or maybe we've just been married for awhile. Great minds and all that.)
I've had the thought before that being single is certainly simpler (yes, I'm familiar with "the grass being greener..."), whether it is or not I think could be argued at length. But what is it about being married that makes people choose to stay married?
The whole why is such a huge question and very different for many people: love, companionship, kids, someone to sit on the couch with and complain about commercials to, money, power, support, belonging, monkey business, someone to read books with, live-in road-trip buddy.
And then the other million dollar question: how? Once you decide it's worth it, how does one go about insuring it happens?
My parents (yours too, if you're a Holmes) talked a lot about this in FHE, Sunday walks, at the dinner table, car rides, etc. The how for them, according to me, was about compromise, forgiveness, date nights, praying together, keeping in touch throughout the day, laughter, letting the kids know their place.
Probably the most important: assuming the best of each other. Always with the benefit of the doubt.
And of course the main phrase I heard often was, "to treat each other in such a way that our spouse would never want to leave or look elsewhere."
With J and I, I would say that we both try to assume that we each are trying our hardest. And that we show respect for each other's opinions (unless they're crazy—we don't do crazy around here.)
Granted, no one is perfect. And so with the whole forgiveness thing. I really think these things work for them and us because we want them to. I think the key is that we're all trying (mostly every day or at least more often than not). I have no answers when only one is person wants to stay, except: that totally stinks and I'm sorry.
You're welcome to go anonymous for this but I would love to read the why or how you have stayed married. Or avoided it. Either one.
8 comments:
I loved the staying story--even the title is so refreshing, isn't it? I think we in the Stimpson family were also taught by our parents to stay. I've seen the sad consequences of so many who didn't and I think that alone has been enough to make me want to stay. The grass ain't greener, it appears. There are always exceptions, of course, but I think working things out usually turns out best in the end. In my personal case, when on occasion I have had illusions of leaving and when those thoughts have passed, I realized it was me and not him and I got medical help to fix my brain! Turns out I have a pretty great husband now that I can think straight most of the time :)
Loved this post.
I've heard people say, more than once, that if they would have known how hard it was to get a divorce and all the aftermath with their kids, they would have never done it. They would have stuck it out. I'm a firm believer in sticking it out. Never give up. Never quit. A good example of this is my sister who was in a very rocky marriage pretty much from the beginning with a husband who didn't share her same beliefs and was a big bum and very involved in himself and making money. But low and behold she stuck it out...after many times of saying she just wanted to quit. She didn't and now like 15 years later her husband has come around and has had a total change of heart. They got sealed in the temple with their four kids and are a changed family. He is a changed man. So never ever EVER give up!! You are so right that marriage is work. Life is work. That's part of the whole plan, n'est pas?
p.s.-You're so wise Kitti. Wish I could be more like you. Ü
It is the sex. Knocking boots. Making biscuits. Making love. Whatever you want to call it. And I'm only kind of kidding. While I know that physical intimacy is not the whole house, sometimes it is the only mortar holding those bricks together. And I have found that if we can be physically close, then that opens the door for us to be emotionally closer, bridging us back to where we want to be.
Additionally, though it has taken me a while to figure it out, (surprise, surprise), every problem that I have with Benji seems to stem from one of my own issues/insecurities. And if Benji was gone, the issue would still exist. So I am trying to weed these issues out and enjoy what is good between us. And most days, there really is a lot of good between us. As always, love the post.
Shawn- I agree that our parents have so much to do with how we look/approach marriage.
Erika- whoa! 15years. That's remarkable. I'm so glad that it all worked out.
Kendra- totally. We call it monkey business around here. And so true about issues.
Great, thought-provoking post, Kitti.
For Dixon and I, I have to honestly say that marriage isn't hard work. We married so young that we've really grown up together, and things between us 99.9% of the time are very, very good. I'm sure much of that is because of Dixon's generous and easy-going personality---at least some of which I hope has rubbed off on me over the past 21 years.
I think the key to our happy marriage is always thinking of the other person first. I know I'm forever wanting to do things for him---whether that be making sure he has time to train for his triathlons, fixing a good dinner, making sure we get a date night etc. because I feel as if he's always doing nice things for me. I know I'll never catch up, but I do keep trying, and enjoying it very much.
That isn't to say that our life is all roses. I've often reflected over the past five years or so that our marriage is likely so strong because Heavenly Father knew we'd need each other (and our kids would need us together) to make it through some of the trials we've had with our children. A less solid marriage might not have survived, and there have been some times of significant stress in our home. But we've emerged from those trials closer than ever and so grateful for the relationship we have. It's our fondest wish that our children and everyone we know and love might be so blessed in their relationships.
Michele, I think that one of the reasons you feel like it's not hard work is because you've always worked at it. Mom & Dad always say that they work on their marriage everyday. And I think that when you do work on it daily that it probably doesn't seem as hard because you are so used to putting that other person first.
Well, can I post a response on behalf of the First Lady of South Carolina?
http://www.thestate.com/sanford/story/839461.html
is it wrong to say you want to stay together because you're so stinkin' scared of being alone? maybe that points to some of my own insecurities. it certainly and by far isn't the only reason we're together, just something interesting that just popped into my head.
love these thought-provoking posts.
Post a Comment