I've noticed an unexpected side-effect of dying my hair; Grace's friends think I'm very cool. Hey, whatever it takes. I'm clearly not going to be the mom handing out condoms or buying them beer, but I can totally keep it real in the hair department. Nice.
Grace is the smartest, bestest, most beautiful daughter ever. Yes, she is. Of course, yours are too; let's not fight. Last night Grace and I had a conversation about wanting to grow up to be beautiful. She's concerned that it's not going to happen:
"I mean, Mom. I look like a little kid. I don't want to look like this forever."
But then she said:
"I just want to be respected for who I am. I feel like my friends don't let me just be myself and respect me."
Um, yeah. That's what we all want. We then talked about all the people who love her and respect her. If you're reading right now, your name was probably mentioned (unless I don't know you, in which case, I'm sure you're a lovely person and maybe your name will make the list next time). Thank you all for being on that list. It meant a lot to her to hear your names.
I remember this time in my life so well. Of course I wanted to have friends and fit in. Of course I wanted to be beautiful. (I also wanted to always wear my older sisters' clothes.) The struggle for respect among friends was a hard thing to go through, and even as an adult it can be unpleasant.*
I wish so much that I could convey to Grace how little the spats she has with friends will matter as she gets older. She won't care when she's thirty if she didn't get to hear the secrets the other girls were telling each other. Being told she's not rich enough(?!) isn't really a big deal (yes, a little girl totally told her that. You better believe I wanted to call her up and say mean things, but water under the bridge. Not to mention, who even cares about that in third grade?!)
But that's not entirely true. The person she becomes and the coping mechanisms she develops as a result of her childhood experiences will shape the adult she becomes. We all had to go through it, right? We all survived. We're all mostly nice and normal. Kids are resilient, right?
I don't want Grace to feel that she has to fit a mold and act in a way contrary to her nature to be accepted. Cue appropriate books, movies, conversations. What have you, did you, will you tell your daughters (okay, and sons too) when this stuff comes up?
I really wish children were born with the collective understanding of both their parents. Children would have more perspective on the short span of childhood. Maybe they would enjoy it more, knowing that life only gets more complicated. Think how wicked smart each new generation would be. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
Until then, we're going to need so many more conversations.
*BTW, I have awesome, wonderful, lovely, wicked smart friends. Thank you all.
12 comments:
i worry about logan and her little buddies as well. it's so hard to know if they are going to fit in somewhere with a group of friends that are good. you want them to stand up for themselves, but also, not BE the bully.
last year logan pushed a boy into a coat hanger hook and he scratched his head. so the teacher called and i was furious and of course i balled my eyes out after i got off the phone. then i talked with her about it, and it turns out the boy had pushed her first and so it was kind of self defense?! i was sort of glad she had pushed back after she told me that he pushed her first. course you can't really admit that. we still have to say that you shouldn't push and you need to let your teacher know if someone pushed you.
i guess we all have our nitches (sp?) we fit into and everything hopefully works out somehow?!
oh and if dying your hair makes you cool, i guess i should be way up there on the top of the cool list. does it count if your doing it to cover up a certain other color that i won't mention?
I remember thinking my tummy was fat when I was in fourth grade and we had to do swimming lessons as a class. I would walk around constantly holding in my stomach. Fourth grade! Crazy right? I remember complaining to my Mom about similar things when I was young, and honestly, nothing she said mattered, I still just kept on thinking whatever it was I was thinking. But, having my Mom encourage me was enough to help me feel like it didn't matter if I fit in or not, just if I was happy with myself, and I became a very confident girl and never worried much about what other people thought of me (of course besides boys)and just did what made me happy and hung out with people who liked me for me and made me happy. I think that is the big message, to be happy with who you are and to be with people who like you for you and not because you are the most rich, or pretty, or sporty, etc. :)
crap, i was hoping to learn all the parenting stuff from you. does this mean you don't always know exactly what to do/say? even if you don't always intuitively know the clear solution (as if such exists), i think you stand a pretty good chance of stumbling in the right direction with your smarts and your wit and compassion. and brown hair.
I have no comment on parenting--I'm still trying to figure that out with my own kids. It has been a hard week for parenting all around, I guess. Who knew third grade had so many pitfalls?
But--as for the hair, very hip! I love it. :)
WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE DOING.
I don't think anyone knows very much about being the perfect parent, and those who profess to know so much, I truly question. I am glad that Grace wants to be respected as she is, that she is not rushing to get the approval of others; kudos to you on that one. If she can maintain that she will be light years ahead of where I came from.
PS I love brown hair. I'm still thinking I may put a blue or pink streak in mine, but I can't quite decide.
RD and wife: For professing to not know what you are doing...just let me say this. Every time I have been around you, I have been totally impressed by what I have seen. I think you handle Grace with grace. (oh, gosh, see how poetic I am?) Sherry would be proud. Keep up the good work. I would like to say it gets easier...but I think you know better. It's totally worth it though.
Yes, it sounds like you are both wonderful parents and are very attentive and loving to Grace. Parenting IS so hard, and sometimes I wonder if I'm saying the right thing. I just pray every single day that I can be a good mom and say and do things that would be beneficial to my children and that would show how much I love and care about them so that they know that no matter what they do, or what happens in the future, I will always be here for them and they can come to me with anything.
Sorry Kitti, you are still going to be my go to person for parenting, you can't fool me with this, "I don't have the answers crap". I know that I am not around Grace very often but I am always impressed with her. I have never met a more self assured, kind, well informed and flexible child then yours.
I miss you Kitti, where are you? I need my daily dose of Miss Kitti!
I miss you too, Kitti.
Post a Comment