Thank you to M for pointing me to this blog post. If you have time, go on over and read about one woman's decision to stay married. Honest and powerful.
As noted,we don't talk about this a lot. The how and why and what happens after. Maybe because we can just observe and draw our own conclusions? Because it's too personal to talk about? No one wants to air dirty laundry?
But here's what I'm thinking. Save the sordid details for your best "in the vault" friend but share the other stuff. Surely anyone would acknowledge that no marriage, assuming partners are on equal footing and honest with themselves, is without bumps and disagreements. Not everything goes along swimmingly all the time.
Marriage can be (dare I say it?) work at times. Even the best of times. It's no longer you and your merry self. Now there are other needs to consider. Time constraints. Menus to discuss and agree upon (such as "what" and "who shall prepare"). Clothes to coordinate (okay, I'm kidding about that one but J and I have had several strange happenings of late wherein the same colors were worn on the same day. Coincidence? Or maybe we've just been married for awhile. Great minds and all that.)
I've had the thought before that being single is certainly simpler (yes, I'm familiar with "the grass being greener..."), whether it is or not I think could be argued at length. But what is it about being married that makes people choose to stay married?
The whole why is such a huge question and very different for many people: love, companionship, kids, someone to sit on the couch with and complain about commercials to, money, power, support, belonging, monkey business, someone to read books with, live-in road-trip buddy.
And then the other million dollar question: how? Once you decide it's worth it, how does one go about insuring it happens?
My parents (yours too, if you're a Holmes) talked a lot about this in FHE, Sunday walks, at the dinner table, car rides, etc. The how for them, according to me, was about compromise, forgiveness, date nights, praying together, keeping in touch throughout the day, laughter, letting the kids know their place.
Probably the most important: assuming the best of each other. Always with the benefit of the doubt.
And of course the main phrase I heard often was, "to treat each other in such a way that our spouse would never want to leave or look elsewhere."
With J and I, I would say that we both try to assume that we each are trying our hardest. And that we show respect for each other's opinions (unless they're crazy—we don't do crazy around here.)
Granted, no one is perfect. And so with the whole forgiveness thing. I really think these things work for them and us because we want them to. I think the key is that we're all trying (mostly every day or at least more often than not). I have no answers when only one is person wants to stay, except: that totally stinks and I'm sorry.
You're welcome to go anonymous for this but I would love to read the why or how you have stayed married. Or avoided it. Either one.
